Being a Perfectionist ...Not a piece of cake
I never knew I was a perfectionist...never realized I was one ...was that there in my DNA and I`m built in that way? Or was that a part of my growing up ..the way I was taught to be ? Or was that the outcome of a typical Virgo in me that was coming out ?? I don't know what it was , because later on as I grew older with me grew an obsession ...an obsession of making everything perfect.It never came into light until I got married .
During my young age , I did things even when no one asked for , made the house clean and tidy , from washing clothes to gardening , from helping mom in kitchen to be like a tomboy for my granny .....every task I did with the ultimate passion and desire ...with utmost perfection .....some times I think was doing all those because I was craving for attention , for some praise and appreciation ...Was that what I really wanted ? Was I craving for all those ?
I never knew the seed growing into a huge tree in me ....emerging out ...putting all efforts to come out as Ms .Perfectionist. From ,making the house spotlessly clean,keeping everything in its place , Making a bed perfect , making the perfect dishes ,working out hard to make the most beautiful garden , what to say ....from cleaning toilets to arranging the wardrobes to shoe racks .....
The same position of beds and wardrobes bored me .....I couldn't change the house often ...but then I can always change its look ,rt ...Well that was my excuse for my craziness ..So I kept changing the interiors , carried sofas from on place to another , moved almirahs from one room to another , dismantling and resetting of beds... to give everything a new look .....All by myself ...Can you believe that ....
Yes ,I did it all myself ...all day ....one after the other . even multitasking ....working hard ...doing and overdoing things till they become perfect .....It was never tiring ...I was never tired ...and the moment I saw the result of my work......Here I go ...charged again ...off to another target ....to make it the perfect one .. I was being proud , happy and was gaining huge amount of satisfaction.
There was plenty of Passion and Energy in me waiting eagerly to be poured out and I kept on searching for new targets and making new achievements . Sometimes people noticed ,appreciated and said good words .Sometimes I proudly presented to my family all the things I`ve done all day....at times they appreciated and sometimes they called me crazy .....sometimes they were mad at me ....because they couldn't find things in all places they had spread it out ....but then that dint stop me from doing things ....because I was addicted to by obsession and was getting plenty of happiness through it .
My mission had a motto and the slogan I kept on saying was " A place for everything , and everything in its place " . I kept on repeating this , advising kids , guiding them all the time to be in the track...rendering the words all the time like a mantra .
Now that was the case of the material things .I wanted to be the perfect daughter ,spouse , mother , friend ,student ,entertainer ,listener ,decorator ,teacher , idea generator ...I tried hard to be all these and more ...and I don't know how far I have succeeded but I just get happiness proving myself again and again that I am doing my best .I wasn't expecting anything in return neither in kind nor in gifts ...and whenever people praised me I felt embarrassed and when they gave me gifts I felt bad and made me feel as if I`m in a debt . My perfection demanded to set an example for others to look at ...an example for a perfect family - the perfect husband ..kids ..wife...and I was happy with that ...just that
I kept on rendering my mantra ...to my kids and hubby . When I see them running in the last minute , searching for their things ...I reminded them my eternal sloga " A place for everything and everything in its place " and told them that if they had followed it then they would have saved their time , saved the stress and last minute tension and rush.
I made them keep each thing in one particular place ...some assigned place for everything ..from wallet ,belt to books ..I kept stickers in the drawers and book shelves for them to easily find out their things ...I made files for every document and labelled them...They asked what is the problem in the belt spread down , or the wallet thrown wherever ...they argued saying that they know where it is then and it is easy for them to find it ....even accused me for rolling the belt and keeping the wallet in their assigned places .I don't know whether they understood me or not .
Moreover ,I never wanted to be caught with a untidy house or an unruly children ....I know how I would feel if I visit such a house which is all a mess and untidy ? What if some one come in and see all these ? I wanted to live up to the impression of being the Perfectionist ....So I kept the house neat , made the sofa wrinkle less , stopped my kids from doing all mischief they wanted to ....all for a visitor who never came 
And all the cards changed some day ...even after my constant reminders ,still the belt was lying down, shoes were thrown here and there , books scattered and the last minute running was still in the process ....That is when I gave my obsession a rethinking ...I was doing things the way I love to , why not let them do the things they want to ? Maybe that is there in their DNA ,some things never change isn't it ? , Maybe in course of time they too will start realizing the value of discipline and time ...maybe one day .
And the very thought made me feel guilty .....I started asking questions to myself ..what all did I loose on the way ? Did I make my kids suffer ? Did I take their childhood from them ? How many times have I stopped my kids from playing and messing up the house , warning them ,and waiting for an unexpected visitor to turn around anytime .and for that unexpected visitor WHO NEVER CAME . And when I realized that this is not what life is about ...Life is about happiness , happiness we give to others and happy being oneself .
I changed my outlook ,The story I keep telling myself is I am enough,already . I still have the high energy , passion and ambition and can put tremendous amounts of love in whatever I do ....but I give myself a stop ..a break .I loosened my grasp on expected results and started to value peace , harmony , happiness way more than flawlessness ....what difference it made is was just my self task around this energy...without any expectations and it was total bliss for me.
From the obsessed perfectionist , I became a normal perfectionist ...I was not ready to give up . I took charge of arranging the house , and the things of kids and hubby dear , and before they start searching for their things I got them want they wanted .I never compelled them to do things my way , instead I did it for myself ....I stopped expecting anyone to congratulate me or appreciate me ...because I understood that this was one way of getting happiness to myself and I was happy with what I am doing ... I never stopped them from doing things they wanted , because I realized that is their way of doing things and the way they accept me , I too have to accept them . I stopped worrying about a messy house or scattered books , because the very realization haunted me all the time that these days would soon be history and all I wanted was to cherish those moments with my loved ones...rather than making my and their memories a painful one .
The wake up call that made me mellowed out was some observations I made ...
There is nothing called 'perfect' ...The best example I have seen , is that at some important functions when some VVIP is about to visit , when everything is checked and rechecked ...as the person stand on the dais the mike give a creaking sound , or the cassette get stuck or the flag never unfolds
And from my experience I have seen when I did everything perfect before a guests visit...checking and re checking every nook and corner ...still as I lead my guest to show the house there I see a new cobweb ? or a piece of paper ? When & How did it come ? Why dint I notice it earlier ? and instead of enjoying the visit ...I start worrying ,I feel embarrassed and in the end it end up in lot of unhappiness , disappointment and stress and the whole fun of the visit whizzes by without me enjoying it
Being a perfectionist stop one from going after crazy things sometimes ...we keep on thinking what others will think and the same thought take away our creativity or wildness .For that someone would never have bothered or looked ...for and to impress that 'someone ' we give up many things..
When I keep on trying to do things to the best of my ability ,was I trying to avoid being judged or was I trying to escape from criticism ? was that an excuse not to be vulnerable ?
I understood that for me to become a great daughter , wife ,mother ,friend ,teacher I should first let down my shield of vulnerability and allow me to be fully myself ...and I was gaining it by being perfectly imperfect at times , owning it and letting others to do the same and then I was able to connect with all easily and with great harmony and joy
I realized that all that matters is that whether you enjoy what you are doing or not. I am enjoying being a perfectionist , but making others follow my lead was the wrong thing to do . It is okay to have high hopes ....I was shooting for them ..and I was enjoying it never bothering what the outcome of it would be !!!! .but that was not the case of others ...they were made to do it my way and maybe they were not enjoying it .
For I realized that perfection is to life is like a unused toy in the showcase wrapped in its cover ...sure it keeps the toy neat but what is the point ? When a child urges all its childhood to take it out from the cover and play with it and was never let to ? What is the point of such perfection? The house where there is laughter ,play, humor ,sadness ,and all in one pack is much much better than a spotlessly clean house .
I know what it’s like to obsess over small details that no one will notice, whether it’s the perfect decorations, a well-placed word, or anything . I don`t want my kids to be a perfectionist ....yes if they have that in them I want them be one , only if they enjoy what they are doing ...otherwise I wish they learn some simple things of life ...enjoy life , be perfect not a perfectionist , and be happy in whatever they do .
For after all these years of watching me doing things , I have seen them doing stuff , cleaning and keeping things in order ...maybe they may not be doing it with perfection ( as per my scale and grade )...but they are doing it their way . I have seen that in the long run with me , they have learned to be neat and some what systematic .I just want them to grow up respecting others , giving & knowing unconditional love for others and self , acceptance of what and who as it is , and enjoyment of life .
Perfectionism is a way of shutting off and controlling many things . It maybe tiring , isolated ,boring ,cold and dark out there if you step into it without any interest . I am no more a perfect perfectionist ......that doesn't mean I `m no more one ...bu then I have let the lights come in through the gaps of imperfection . I have let sun shine in and around me ...making me imperfectly perfect .From a high strung .....I have mellowed out ....and I`m still happy as I am .
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