Being a Perfectionist ...Not a piece of cake

                                                                                               

                               Being a Perfectionist ...Not a piece of cake 

I never knew I was a perfectionist...never realized I was one ...was that there in my DNA and I`m built in that way? Or was that a part of my growing up ..the way I was taught to be ? Or was that the outcome of a typical Virgo in me  that was coming out ??  I don't know what it was , because later on as I grew older with me grew an obsession ...an obsession of making everything perfect.It never came into light until I got married . 

During my young age , I did things even when no one asked for , made the house clean and tidy , from washing clothes to gardening , from helping mom in kitchen to be like a tomboy for my granny .....every task I did with the ultimate passion and desire ...with utmost perfection .....some times I think was doing all those because I was craving for attention , for some praise and appreciation ...Was that what I really wanted ? Was I craving for all those ?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

I never knew the seed growing into a huge tree in me ....emerging out ...putting all efforts to come out as Ms .Perfectionist. From ,making the house spotlessly clean,keeping everything in its place , Making a bed perfect , making the perfect dishes ,working out hard to make the most beautiful garden , what to say ....from cleaning toilets to arranging the wardrobes to shoe racks  .....

The same position of beds and wardrobes bored me .....I couldn't change the house often ...but then I can always change its look ,rt ...Well that was my excuse for my craziness ..So I kept changing  the interiors , carried sofas from on place to another  , moved almirahs from one room to another , dismantling  and resetting of  beds... to give everything a new look .....All by myself ...Can you believe that ....

Yes ,I did it all myself ...all day  ....one after the other .  even multitasking ....working hard ...doing and overdoing things till they become perfect .....It was never tiring ...I was never tired ...and the moment I saw the result of my work......Here I go ...charged again ...off to another target ....to make it the perfect one ..  I was being proud , happy and was gaining  huge amount of satisfaction. 

                                                                                           

There was plenty of Passion and Energy in me waiting eagerly to be poured out and I kept on searching for new targets and making new achievements . Sometimes people noticed ,appreciated and said good words .Sometimes I proudly presented to my family all the things I`ve done all day....at times they appreciated and sometimes they called me crazy .....sometimes they were mad at me ....because they couldn't find things in all places they had spread it out ....but then that dint stop me from doing things ....because I was addicted to by obsession and was getting plenty of happiness through it .

                                                                                                               

My mission had a motto and the slogan I kept on saying was " A place for everything , and everything in its place " . I kept on repeating this , advising kids , guiding them all the time to be in the track...rendering the words all the time like a mantra .

Now that was the case of the material things .I wanted to be the perfect daughter ,spouse , mother , friend ,student ,entertainer ,listener ,decorator ,teacher , idea generator ...I tried hard to be all these and more ...and I don't know how far I have succeeded but I just get happiness proving myself again and again that I am doing my best .I wasn't expecting anything in return neither in kind nor in gifts ...and whenever people praised me I felt embarrassed and when they gave me gifts I felt bad and made me feel as if I`m in a debt . My perfection demanded to set an example for others to look at  ...an example for a perfect family - the perfect husband ..kids ..wife...and I was happy with that ...just that 

                                                                                                                        

I kept on rendering my mantra ...to my kids and hubby . When I see them running in the last minute , searching for their things ...I reminded them my eternal sloga " A place for everything and everything in its place " and told them that if they had followed it then they would have saved their time , saved the stress and last minute tension and rush. 

                                                                                                                                 

I made them keep each thing in one particular place ...some assigned place for everything ..from wallet ,belt  to books ..I kept stickers in the drawers and book shelves for them to easily find out their things ...I made files for every document and labelled them...They asked what is the problem in the belt spread down , or the wallet thrown wherever ...they argued saying that they know where it is then and it is easy for them to find it ....even accused me for rolling the belt and keeping the wallet in their assigned places .I don't know whether they understood me or not . 

                                                                                                                        

Moreover ,I never wanted to be caught with a untidy house or an unruly children ....I know how I would feel if I visit such a house which is all a mess and untidy ? What if some one come in and see all these ? I wanted to live up to the impression of being the Perfectionist ....So I  kept the house neat , made the sofa wrinkle less , stopped my kids from doing all mischief they wanted to ....all for a visitor who never came  

                                                                                                                     

And all the cards changed some day ...even after my constant reminders ,still the belt was lying down, shoes were thrown here and there , books scattered and the last minute running was still in the process ....That is when I gave my obsession a rethinking ...I was doing  things the way I love to , why not let them do the things they want to ? Maybe that is there in their DNA ,some things never change isn't it ? , Maybe in course of time they too will start realizing  the value of discipline and time ...maybe one day .

                                                                                   

And the very thought made me feel guilty .....I started asking questions to myself ..what all did I loose on the way ? Did I make my kids suffer ? Did I take their childhood from them ? How many times have I stopped my kids from playing and messing up the house , warning them ,and waiting for an unexpected visitor to turn around anytime .and for that unexpected visitor WHO NEVER CAME . And  when I realized that this is  not what life is about ...Life is about happiness , happiness we give to others and happy being oneself .

                                                                                                                                

I changed my outlook ,The story I keep telling myself is I am enough,already . I still have the high energy , passion and ambition and can put tremendous amounts of love in whatever I do ....but I give myself a stop ..a break .I loosened my grasp on expected results and started to value peace , harmony , happiness way more than flawlessness ....what difference it made is was just my self task around this energy...without any expectations and it was total bliss for me.

                                                                                         

From the obsessed perfectionist , I became a normal perfectionist ...I was not ready to give up . I took charge of arranging the house , and the things of  kids and hubby dear , and before they start searching for their things I got them want they wanted .I never compelled them to do things my way , instead I did it for myself ....I stopped expecting anyone to congratulate me or appreciate me ...because I understood that this was one way of getting happiness to myself and I was happy with what I am doing ... I never stopped them from doing things they wanted , because I realized that is their way of doing things and the way they accept me , I too have to accept them . I stopped worrying about a messy house or scattered books , because the very realization haunted me all the time that these days would soon be history and all I wanted was to cherish those moments with my loved ones...rather than making my and their memories a painful one .

The wake up call that made me mellowed out was some observations I made ... 

                                                                                                                              

There is nothing called  'perfect' ...The best example I have seen , is that at some important functions when some VVIP is about to visit , when everything is checked and rechecked ...as the person stand on the dais the mike give a creaking sound , or the cassette get stuck or the flag never unfolds 

And from my experience I have seen when  I did everything perfect before a guests visit...checking and re checking every nook and corner ...still as I lead my guest to show the house there I see a new cobweb ? or a piece of paper ? When & How  did it come ? Why dint I notice it earlier ? and instead of enjoying the visit ...I start worrying ,I feel embarrassed and in the end it end up in lot of unhappiness , disappointment and stress and the whole fun of the visit whizzes by without me enjoying it 

Being a perfectionist stop one from going after crazy things sometimes ...we keep on thinking what others will think and the same thought take away our creativity or wildness  .For that someone would never have bothered or looked ...for and to impress that 'someone ' we give up many things..

When I keep on trying to do things to the  best of my ability ,was I trying to avoid being judged or was I trying to escape from criticism ? was that an excuse not to be vulnerable ? 

                                                                                                        

I understood that for me to become a great daughter , wife ,mother ,friend ,teacher I should first let down my shield of vulnerability and allow me to be fully myself ...and I was gaining it by being perfectly imperfect at times , owning it and letting others to do the same and then I was able to connect with all easily and with great harmony and joy 

I realized that all that matters is that whether you enjoy what you are doing or not. I am enjoying being a perfectionist , but making others follow my lead was the wrong thing to do . It is okay to have high hopes ....I was shooting for them ..and I was enjoying it never bothering what the outcome of it  would be !!!! .but that was not the case of others ...they were made to do it my way and maybe they were not enjoying it .

For I realized that perfection is to life is like a unused toy in the showcase wrapped in its cover ...sure it keeps the toy neat but what is the point ? When a child urges all its childhood to take it out from the cover and play with it and was never let to ? What is the point of such perfection? The house where there is laughter ,play, humor ,sadness ,and all in one pack is much much better than a spotlessly clean house .

                                                                                                                           

I know what it’s like to obsess over small details that no one will notice, whether it’s the perfect decorations, a well-placed word, or anything . I don`t want my kids to be a perfectionist ....yes if they have that in them I want them be one , only if they enjoy what they are doing ...otherwise  I wish they  learn some simple things of life ...enjoy life , be perfect not a perfectionist , and be happy in whatever they do .

                                                                                                                                                                                                         

For after all these years of  watching me doing things , I have seen them doing stuff , cleaning and keeping things in order ...maybe they may not be doing it with perfection ( as per my scale and grade )...but they are doing  it their way . I have seen that in the long run with me , they have learned to be neat and some what systematic .I just  want them to grow up  respecting others  , giving & knowing unconditional love for others and self , acceptance of what and who as it is , and enjoyment of life .

                                                                                                                     

Perfectionism is a way of shutting off  and controlling many things . It  maybe tiring , isolated ,boring  ,cold and dark out there if you step into it without  any interest . I am no more a perfect perfectionist ......that  doesn't mean I `m no more one ...bu then  I  have let the lights come in through the gaps of imperfection . I have let sun shine in and around me ...making me  imperfectly perfect .From a high strung .....I have mellowed out ....and I`m still happy  as  I am .

                                                                                                                          

Death - A Shocking Reality

                               Death - A Shocking Reality !!!

                            

Death was always a bad visitor . In my childhood days when we were too young , we  witnessed the death of our grandparents ...both parents of papa .At that time , all we had in our mind was excitement ....it was a treat for us , we were getting an unexpected chance to go to Ambalapuzha .We were very happy to go and as we reached there ,we could see our uncles , aunties and all crowd screaming yelling and crying . We got pretty scared ....we came  with the joy of meeting all ...but here the entire scenario was different .And after those two deaths , there was all back to normal ....all happy and healthy .

When we reached our teens we lost some of our dear friends and relatives ,who were our age and that was quite troubling , but  even then after days those  wounds got healed by itself 

Years later ,after my marriage one day ,he came back from office early and all of a sudden told that my granny passed away , It was a shock .We had been to Kerala only weeks back , She saw me , I laid my head in her lap and she told me all stories and happenings  and she as usual played with my daughter and she even made me her special dishes specially for me as I was carrying  my next one .And now just days later she died in her sleep .

I cried ,screamed , I felt  that I was going to die . The very thought that I will never be able to see her anymore was unimaginable  . I wanted to see her one last time ,but from Korba I could never reach there in less than 3 days and our friends  consoled me saying that I have the best memory of her and that it is good that I dint see her like that

All uncles ,aunties and cousins wrote to me , consoling me ...saying that I was her pet and she wont like it if i cry .and as months passed that wound also healed ....but the day I went back home ...where my granny was no more....it  was heart breaking ...I could feel her presence everywhere still I couldn't see her ...never will I be able to see her ...it was hard to accept ....very hard 

In my mind I prayed for her , asked her forgiveness for all the hurts I have given her ...Oh I  still miss her 

and as days passed another member joined the family , I was busy with my kids and other happenings of life ..

I was in my world ,when the thunderbolt struck again , this time my one and only aunty was taken away by the God of Death , in a very nasty road accident .She was only 45 and she just leaved ....leaving behind 3 kids all too young. It was more than I could take . She was so close to me ....even more than my mom . Thoughts after thoughts came to haunt me day and night. I thought about the 3 children ,about her ,about uncle.. . I went into depression . I was not able to digest the fact that death could happen anytime ,anywhere and to anyone . It was killing me . I was scared of loosing any more of loved ones . I wanted them all .I don't want to loose anyone .I was 25 then .  

                                                                                      

                                                                                                                               It really hurts :-(                                                                                                                                 

Suddenly everything felt so meaningless. And that is when I started practicing Yoga and Art of living ...slowly I realized that there is nothing I or anyone could do to stop death .

                                                                                                                                                                                                  

                                                                                Live the moment !!!

But then I could learn to live life to the fullest ...live every moment ...love all ...forgive all ....I understood the fact that one day or other we all have to go into the soil ....leaving everything behind.....no one is going to follow you there however hard you love them ......it is inevitable .So why waste time thinking of something that is beyond my control ...Instead why not enjoy life ...cherish and treasure the moments life gives.

                                                               
Also in the due course I realized something more .....when some one dear to us die we cry for them for selfish reasons ...don't we ? We keep thinking of the good times and things we got from them , we worry that now who is there is to do this and that for you ? Who will give you a lending shoulder when you really need one ? What did we like about them ?Why do we miss them ? Is it for the things they did for us ? Is it that we were used to have them in our life ? Is it the body that we are missing ?

I noticed a similar scene in every home of the deceased ones.....I have seen the moment the body is taken to the crematorium everything is back to normal . Everyone start talking about family..gossiping ..laughter  ...sharing news  and in minutes the whole scenario of the house changes into a jolly one ......it becomes a family get together ..and in one corner still grieving maybe the closest relatives of the deceased . I am not trying to blame anyone ...but then that is life ....soon or later everything is back to normal.

                                                           

There is saying in Malyalam " Innu  Chattal  Naale  Rendu " that is it ...that is the basic truth.

                                                       
       

A Realization 

                                                                            

I no more cry when I realized these .Not that I feel sad ,not that I don't  miss them ,but then knowing that life and death are two faces of the same coin ...why make a scene for it ? I still do remember my loved ones .....I sometimes even crave to just see them once  more ......for all selfish reasons I must say ....Time is a great healer .....It heals ...the fresh wound gets healed....but then when you touch them (remember them ) it still hurts .

                                                                               

Attachment -Detachment -Non Attachment:

                                           Attachment -Detachment :NonAttachment

                                                         

As I do not claim to be an expert or a spiritual teacher, I would like to adds some  form my own understanding.After the shocking and disturbing realization of death ,I after a lot of reading and after hearing the speeches of many Gurus came to  understand that attachment is one  reason for sorrow and unhappiness 

It is the attachment to your desired object that results in the suffering. When you do not have it, you cannot get your desire out of your mind. You become anxious, start to crave, whine, complain, envy and get frustrated because of your attachment. We usually get attached to  each and everything in life .....material ,non material ,living and  non living .

“Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering.” -The Dalai Lama
                                                                 
To be attached to something means that you believe that you cannot do without it. Somehow you see that your life will be compromised without this possession. You are not able to realize the impermanence of all things physical. By being attached, you are unable to be free . Earlier I was getting everything in life , I got obsessed with that , and when I fell short of money ,when I was not getting what I want I was disappointed .I felt that my life was incomplete because of that .

Attachment in some instance can be a reason for your living ....Maybe for some ,that gives and aim in life ..and once attained you can go for other and so on. 

What happened with me was I was so attached to all relationships and things , the fear of loosing them at one point or other of the life never occurred to me .
When someone broke my favorite cup I was shattered , when my kids played on the sofa I was irritated , When some one told bad about me I was hurt , When I lost something I thought it was the end ...the list goes on ...But Thank God , at a very early age  itself ,the realization  and thus adapting to the situation as it comes came to me ....but then it took the life of one of my dear ones ,for me to get it 

That realization was an eye opener ....I learned to enjoy the moment ,the day as and how it comes ,I learned to let go the bad events and was happy with the good .

And then breaking of a cup ,or loosing something never hurt me anymore ..............Instead the sudden thought came into my mind ...that it is all the time it had to be there with me .....and no crying ,and shouting is going to bring it back .

And when kids played and made the house a mess , I started enjoying them . I wanted to treasure those moments ,Sometimes I took part with them , sometimes I watched them with happiness ...I knew that days too would come to an end ....and  I want to enjoy it to the maximum.....and however mess the room or the house became .....I can always bring them back to normal ....all of us together or me alone can do  it....It wont take a minute .....But if I had scolded them.....today I would have been sitting here wishing I had let them do it .

Usually  we as parents , warn our children to keep the house neat ,don't mess up  what if someone come in ? what if some guest come  ? I also used to think that way...but then I understood it doesn't matter at all .

I always get hurt when people or my dear ones say things which I dint do ,I used to shout ,cry and even try to explain again and again to prove them wrong ....but then  when the attachment to such emotions were buried ,along with them the hurt too went away .And I no longer feel the pain or hurt when someone say about me . Yes ,I still explain the situation ,but then that is it . I leave the matter thinking it is there way of thinking let  it be .

Leaving the attachment to things and situations were sought of easy ,but then getting detached from relationships is not an easy job ,I say......I am still working on it .

Detachment, in my opinion, is not the same thing as non-attachment. When you are detached, you cut off your feelings. You are not able to practice empathy or compassion. You cannot see from another person’s point of view. You try to act as it it is not bothering you anymore ,but deep inside you still fell the pain and hurt  .Getting into detachment can also be part of your coping mechanism. Sometimes when emotions get too overwhelming, your coping mechanism gets activated; thus causing you to withdraw.
                                                                                 
Non-attachment on the other hand I think  suggests the possibility of having a desire but not being attached to it. Hence you do not allow yourself to become overwhelmed emotionally. Neither do you permit your internal critic to take over. You take note of the negative thoughts and emotions that come up but you choose not to focus your attention on them.Here I say Ego consciousness  is not there .You enjoy it knowing that it is just another moment of life ,and once it is over it is over .No desire from heart is involved ,When  your heart gets involved ,you again feel the desire ....then attachment ...fear of loosing ....and then all leading to sorrow .

Non attachment is desiring knowing all the prone and cones of the relationship or the event or the thing ...not taking anything to the heart ...but still feeling happy of it .

                                                                                          

Still, I have to admit that as much as I would like to, it has not been easy applying non-attachment. For small items, it is no sweat. I consider small items to be material things like a bag or dress  etc ............you can detach from then  understanding that I do not personally need these items, so no wanting there.

But for the more significant ones such as those concerning my dreams, I have found that non-attachment as one involving constant practice.                                                                         

                                                            

I enjoyed my moments with kids ,constantly reminding myself that , that phase of life would soon change and when it did I dint feel the pain. I was able to adapt to the new situation I was put into .....I don't feel  unhappy or sad  for the situation I am in , or for the lost moments .....instead I live the moment ....because this time this is the scene the great writer has wrote for ...and I have to go with it . To accept it happily or sadly is my choice and I choose  the former .

                                                                                               

I am learning non attachment ....by following some rules ....

1. Instead of living in the past ,I try to live in the present : no sulking about the past ,no worries about the future ...just living the day in a positive way

2.I`m giving up the "How `s ? ' I try to focus on the picture of my dream,but never worry how it is going to happen .However, be aware that there can be infinite possibilities and impossibilities ......but  by not being rigid and staying flexible, I think  opportunities will open .(My fav book 'secret ' has been an inspiration to me)

3.I am trying to take every hurdle ,every situation as a part of my learning experience ...Adopting a positive attitude, being joyful every step of the way. Thus, my happiness is not contingent upon having “arrived” at the destination.

4. Not to worry about the future ...living a life of uncertainty...be okayyy   with it ....Learning to live in uncertainty, you are in a state of awareness. Life becomes exciting in its mystery, possibility and adventure.and take everything as it comes ..not with the heart involved ...but with your soul.

5. Just follow the lead :Allowing people, things and events as they are – without wanting to fix, change or judge anything. It is about using your emotions as a guide towards feeling better and better.

Watch thiese videos

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=qbxaAAJRjgA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=FSQHq9bMjj4


I dont feel pain or unhappy for nothing now ,I`ve learned to adapt myself to situations , place and  things without getting attached to them anymore ......yes i admit  emotions do come once in awhile ,but then they are like waves...they never stay....they come in and go in a very fast motion  taking away some of the dirt from the mind ....making my mind  again clean and neat.